Thursday, March 15, 2018

Counterdependent Narcissistic Misogynistic Men

My stepfather sat me and my brother down once when I was 10 and told us that if we didn't follow "the rules" of the house (counter dependent men love THE RULES, arbitrary and conforming absolutely to their needs and no one else's) then we would be, and I quote "out of the house". 

You can imagine what precedent this sent to a 10-year old's panicked mind. 

That is abuse, by the way. 

Of course he claims to not remember it nor did my mother  remember this event, ever. 
Of course not, she left the room on purpose when he told us to sit down. Because she was a codependent enabler with narcissistic traits herself. 

Threatening your children is never a good idea. Just FYI. He was paranoid, suspicious, told me many times throughout my life that he didn't believe me, about anything, and LOVED to say "well, what did you expect?" with the facial expression of contempt on his face that had about as much empathy of a psychopath when I would invariably make a mistake. 

Whatta guy. And he loved to blame everything on my narcissistic sperm donor dad. Men who cannot take responsibility for anything ARE ABUSERS. 

Ladies, men: avoid them like the plague if you can.
 It WILL screw your life up. 

Blessings, A- 

Counter-Dependency: Superman Part One - Special Guest Self Differentiat...

Physician, heal thyself. I am not lonely, I am alone. I feel lonely when I am in a crowded room full of unwoke folks 99 times out of a 100 times more than I do just hanging around the house by myself being perfectly content and happy learning things and getting shit done. 

I get re-traumatized, emotionally distressed, and unhappy when I am around unwoke people who want to talk about what was on tv last night and who are myopic, who really, actually get mad about superficial things that have no reality like who won or lost Dancing With The Stars.

I can't hang out with people who *actually* get more emotionally invested in voting for someone on a reality tv show or dance competition, but who don't personally take an interest in actually voting in elections themselves. (Yeah, yeah, the system is broken, blah, blah, blah, the illusion of choice, I get it: but this is a metaphor and you and I both know those types of people are lap dogs for insipid superficial conformity, ignore the fact that voting doesn't work if you can't find constituents who care about meaningful things and carry on with my point.)  

I get angry and sad and depressed when I am around traumatized people who don't even know they are traumatized, and further more, if they stopped to think about it would probably shoot themselves in the head rather than deal with it and do something productive about it because they are so cut off from their emotions that they actually think this superficial drivel that they are using as a neurotic replacement for accessing their emotions and real pain is good for them.

These are people who have no meaningful, truly important priorities. They are superficial by way of fear and only and always are superficial precisely because of fear.

For me personally, those types of people are exhausting to be around. You have to babysit them intellectually, hold their hand. There's certain topics we won't discuss! Oh no, we can't! Bad things will happen! I'm scared of that topic!
And that becomes like walking on eggshells. And I can't do that anymore.

Nurse-maiding most people's egos is a full-time job if you aren't in control of yourself and establish firm boundaries about who is and who is not ready to be let in. Most people are like this. Most people are molly-coddled babies who don't understand proportion, reason. Intellect. Intellect is scary for most people like this. What they can't personally control.

 I am all for pleasantries and social niceties, it has its place. Superficial has its place. It's fun to go to an amusement park. It's not fun, however, to live on a diet of cotton candy and superficial, sugar-filled foods that have no nutrients. After a while, you get a headache and your stomach starts to hurt. 

And so you decide that your own company is better than superficial people who have decided that eating cotton candy 24/7 is good for them.

I told you, I'm not going to suffer fools anymore. I am not tolerant of any bullshit. That does NOT MEAN I am counter dependent.  Especially if the people who come into my life are emotionally controlling codependents, counter dependents who have a hard-on for making fun of me for my "weakness" and "fragility" or any other die-hard with a thing for projection and lack of emotionally and mentally cleaning themselves up and their own backyards.

 I have better things to do with my time than serve as a bouncing board for other people's insecurities and unresolved mommy and daddy issues. I don't have time for childishness. While I have sympathy for it, as time goes on (and we all think we have time), I have less and less to give to that.
To unresolved anything. I have compassion for it, I wish them wellness, but it's time to move on when they aggressively and anxiously attach their projections onto an unsuspecting person who has done no harm to them nor wishes them ill will. 

 You better learn the difference between pleasantries and mental prisons.

I grew up in a counter dependent home. My stepfather is basically this video's description.  He would walk in the room and I would see a grey raincloud over his head. He sucked all the lifeblood, all the positive, encouraging energy out of everything and everyone.  To say he was depressing to be around is an understatement. And then of course there was always the threat of violence if things didn't go his way.

The household that was once, while not perfect, was much happier for me and my brother before he came along. I don't remember any happiness after that date. I just remember suddenly there was this strange man who's "love style" was to be as emotionally controlling and abusive as possible. Oh, and whenever possible, deride and make fun of anything that reeked of sensitivity or insight that didn't have an academic association with it.

He contributed directly to making me feel like a piece of shit with his words and actions for decades. He contributed directly to my suicidal ideation, my never feeling like I was good enough, my feelings that I was a complete failure if I didn't achieve academic glory and a career that mirrored his exactly. I could never tell what he felt, he had two emotions: "Don't bother me, I'm working (slams literal or metaphorical door)" and explosive rage. He didn't teach me anything other than:
"You better make it LOOK good". Sound familiar to your circumstances?

 Also sound familiar why you might be having sex with people who are strangers whom you really aren't into and you have barely an idea of why you're doing it? Why you might be eating your feelings when you feel out of control? Why you feel out of control? Excessive focus on physical perfection/attempts to absolutely control every aspect of the physical body by exercising to the point of hurting yourself? An over-reliance on making sure you look "good" at all times? Maybe drinking too much? Helpless to stop repetitions of compulsive behavior when feelings get too close to you, we can't let them in?

 Hello, is this thing on? 

Friday, March 9, 2018

I will continue to destroy you~

I will continue to destroy you, black brothers
You, who hold so dear symbols, are being destroyed from within. 

I will continue to destroy you

Black brotherhood

Your formulation is no more


Adonai amen, all is one,

No more is this symbol of fascism your hold

No one knows you and 'know' one will.

There will be no respite

In a black vacuum or others

Your dark magic prevails 

No more

You are Destroyed

From within and without

A black cancer inhales you

You will be/are annihilated

The forces that brought Hollywood to its knees are now sorted.

You will now prevail

Your order is no more

Alas! Begone.

Your world is dying, 

Our world is taking hold.

The last vestiges of your breed are no more.

Saylong! Old soldier. Your breeding ground is a trap.

Anyone who comes near this dear sister is forever doomed.

Amen, Adonai, Amen

All Is One, All Is God